


Today I Will

by SlimeLime



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Pre freelatta, Suicidal Ideation, gordons there but not tagged bc ao3 hasnt split the tags, idk how to describe this mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlimeLime/pseuds/SlimeLime
Summary: Gordon and Tommy have a heart to heart over cheese crackers and apple juice NOT CLICKBAIT
Kudos: 42





	Today I Will

**Author's Note:**

> Hewwo... the title... is not good. Its from the doc and I couldn't think of another one. So anyway I kno its tagged but this fic is tommy trying to talk 2 gordon abt his suicidal ideation. Also im projecting on both of them bc im that talented <3 and freelatta bc thats just how I write these days. Also this was supposed to be a follow up to another work but that one isn't done so look out for that lmao

Gordon sits at his dining room table and stares into his cup of apple juice. Tommy had poured it for him and was grabbing some of the cheese crackers he normally kept around for Joshua to snack on. He took note of his features in the reflection.

His acne, his facial hair, his eyes, nose, lips… everything was there. It was his face reflected in his cup.

But it didn't feel like it.

It was an odd feeling. He knew it was. That was factually correct.

But he couldn't shake the feeling he would peel it off to reveal a new,  _ truer  _ face.

(But what would that look like?)

It was a strange feeling, to know one thing but almost be  _ convinced  _ of another. A bit upsetting at times.

Mostly just strange.

When Tommy had finally fished out the crackers from the top of the fridge, he and Gordon poured two small bowls full and began to eat.

It was kind of childish, Gordon thought. (Maybe that was mean, Tommy was a decade older than him- but they were both doing this, so did it matter what he said about the two of them? Who knows,) except if they were children, they would have been talking up a storm. Josh sure did. (Josh. Josh. Josh. Gordon repeated his name like a mantra. Josh. His son. Josh-) he moved his gaze to the table underneath his hands. A lovely dark brown with shallow patterns in the wood that needed to be examined closely to be truly puzzled out from the rest of the wood-

"I. Gordon, we, we need to talk," when Tommy spoke, his voice soft and shaking, Gordon was so much more aware of his tongue in his mouth. It felt… not heavier, but still, somehow, harder to move. So he simply nodded. He could feel Tommy's eyes on him, and imagine the soft sigh the older man had let out. "I know it- it's hard. Everything you've gone through is- it's so  _ much _ , and- and to talk about it ri- right after is just-" he gestured vaguely, "so I kn- I understand if it's hard, or if you want to take your time or- I just. Please talk to me at some point, okay? Whatever- whatever way works for you. Before you do anything- anything  _ drastic. _ "

Gordon could  _ feel  _ the words Tommy's keeping himself from saying. He was still aware of his tongue, still there, still just as hard to move, and decided to nod instead. He could do this. 

"Gordon the way you said-  _ that _ ," Tommy still couldn't bring himself to say it. Gordon didn't blame him, "I was- we were so worried for you, a-all of us. And I- I don't know if it matters but Benrey- they, um, they told me they wanted to say sorry. They, they knew you probably wouldn't want to see them but… they wanted to- to tell you anyway. So I, um…" he trailed off, and gordon took the pause to think.

Did he accept it? It wasn't. Simple. To apologize for something like that. (He found himself rubbing the scarred tissue of his stump.) But it still made him feel… maybe not  _ good _ , but still  _ better _ .

"I appreciate it, but I want to hear it from him," he signed. Tommy nodded, understanding. They sat in silence for a moment.

Pauses were seldom awkward between the two of them. Between Tommy going silent to think and Gordon going nonverbal (especially after the Black Mesa incident) it was common to let silence sit between them. It gave them peace and quiet, the kind that felt unique to their conversations.

"I don't know what to say about this. I love you, but I don't know how to talk about what you're going through," Gordon felt funny hearing that. On one hand, hearing

Tommy saying it so casually made his heart feel funny (the science team had gotten into the habit of saying it to each other, but when Tommy said it to him… it felt special). On the other, it was hard to realize just how much he had hurt his friend, feeling the words sink into his mind.

He didn't know what to say, so he put his hand on top of Tommy's instead. Tommy took it, and threaded their fingers together. He looked at Gordon, and began to breathe deeper, before gently crying.

Gordon felt his breath catch in his throat, too frozen to do anything. As Tommy let out a few breathy hiccups, he let go of his hand to move into a hug, which Tommy accepted quickly.

"I- im sorry, Mr. Freeman, I sh- I shouldn't be doing this wh-while you're- you're-" a harder breathe wracked his body, and Gordon could feel him shaking in his embrace, "but its just- I, I want to help but I don't know h-how and I just- Gordon, I don't want to-  _ we _ don't want to  _ lose _ you-" at that, every sob was a bit harder, until tommy was shaking in their embrace. Gordon stroked his back while they let it pass.

Gordon thought through it in the moment. He would lose so much- he wouldn't see his son, he would hurt the science team, he would hurt  _ Tommy _ -

(The traitorous part of his brain told him it wouldn't matter if he was dead, he wouldn't know. He wouldn't feel it.)

But he stayed silent, letting Tommy run his fingers through his hair.

He didn't want to lose this either.


End file.
